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Monday, February 28, 2011

I am still a Mama


Assalammualaikum

Mesti baby angel Aqeel tahu yang Mama nya tengah ingat kepadanya. Tidak ada sedetik saat pun Mama tidak ingat dengan baby Mama. I don't care what everyone thinks. I am still a mom. A mom to an Angel. I have my stretch marks on my belly. This will always remind me that I am a mother.

My pregnancy with Aqeel is like any newly wed bliss. After only 3 months of our marriage, we have discovered that we are pregnant. Atleast I am. This is the best thing that can happen to us after our marriage. My husband and I look forward to welcome our little baby to this world. I wished that we are not that loud about our first pregnancy. But who are not excited on experiencing this special moment?

My pregnancy is also a bliss. Maybe baby tak mahu susahkan Mama nya. Minimum morning sickness. Sometimes I don't feel pregnancy at all. But kesian my hubby, dia yang selalu datang demam and muntah2. And menjelang bulan puasa, I can fast all month. Alhamdullilah, diberi kesempatan untuk merasa puasa penuh.

When my bump gets bigger, I can't be more happy. I officially feel and look pregnant. And when baby starts to move, I just overfilled with joy. It become my routine to play with my baby every night since he is more active when I'm resting at night. Oh, how I miss that feeling.

Everything went well until the one week before my due. Tiba-tiba sakit gigi geraham yang teramat sangat. I can't even eat. We went to the the dentist and the dentist tak benarkan untuk cabut gigi yang sakit tu. Dia hanya tampung gigi tu dan cakap kalau masih sakit selepas bersalin (since due hanya beberapa hari lagi), boleh datang dan cabut gigi tu.

Tapi malangnya, sebab sakit gigi teramat sangat. On Thursday night, I got high fever. I feel very-very awful. I just ate one tablet of panadol and went to sleep really early. Maybe masa tu baby dah start lemah. Tapi his movement is still active. So on Friday, amik MC sebab masih demam. I feel a lot better after enough rest. I went to Klinik Astana and requested an ultrasound. But the doctor said that I just have an ultrasound a month ago, and tak payah nak buat ultrasound lagi. Kalau I insist juga untuk buat ultrasound masa tu, can we detect anything wrong at that time?

On the weekend, I feel OK. We are busy with Nipah's akad nikah and wedding. I am super excited to see one of my best friend get married and another best friend become her bridesmaid.

But on Monday, the darkest day of my life, I start to have irregular contractions. My baby still move actively. My husband did play with him as he responded when we poke him. I wished that I just admit myself to the hospital in the morning. Maybe Aqeel will still be here with us. But no, I don't know. Semuanya kan ketentuan yang Esa. Nothing we do can change the fact that my baby is not with us anymore.

Yang selebihnya, my experience is in my other post.

Tetapi hati ibu mana yang tidak luluh, merasa sakit melahirkan, mengharapkan bayi yang dilahirkan dengan ajaib nya menangis dan semua nya tidak benar. Mendengar ibu di bilik bersalin di sebelah melahirkan dan mendengar bunyi bayinya menangis. Berjalan di maternity wad, melihat ibu-ibu yang bersalin dengan bayi masing-masing. Dan discaj daripada hospital tanpa seorang bayi di tangan.

Sometimes, I feel movements in my belly and remind myself that I no longer pregnant. Hari ni genap la 2 minggu baby tiada. Al-fatihah kepada putera ku. Mama really loves you. Terima kasih kepada my baby angel sebab dengan pengalaman ini, Mama rasa lebih dekat dengan Allah.

Alhamdullilah I have my loving husband di sisi. I can't imagine being with other person as my life partner. He's my soulmate. Thanks abg for being so loving, compassionate, patient and being so strong for me. I know that my husband is hurting too but seeing him so strong for me, making me gather myself to be strong for him. Allah has picked us to endure this test together and I hope this experience will make both of us stronger and be a better person.


This is the last picture we have with baby angel inside me.

Love you baby angel, Abang Aqeel.

When I'm in great pain, I refer to this.

I keep coming back to Nurul's (my cousin) Facebook wall to read this. Might as well writing in my blog for easy reference ;)


Riwayat:

(at-Tirmidzi dan Ibnu Hibban)

Kategori:

Akidah

Hadith:

Rasulullah s.a.w telah bersabda yang maksudnya:


Jika seorang hamba Allah kematian anak, Allah bertanya kepada Malaikat:Adakah kamu telah mengambil nyawa anak hamba-Ku? Malaikat menjawab:Ya. Allah bertanya lagi: Kamu telah mengambil nyawa buah hatinya? Malaikat menjawab:Ya. Allah bertanya kali ketiga:Apakah kata hamba-Ku?Malaikat menjawab:Ia bersyukur pada-Mu serta mengucapkan dari Allah kita datang dan kepadanya kita kembali. Allah Ta'ala memerintahkan malaikat-Nya:Binalah baginya sebuah rumah di syurga dan namakan rumah itu ˜Rumah Kesyukuran'.


Huraian Hadith:

1. Apabila keimanan seseorang itu sudah kukuh dan mencapai kedudukan yang istimewa, pasti segala kejadian dan musibah yang terjadi, menjadi kecil pada dirinya.


2. Dia menyerahkan segala yang menimpa kepada Allah S.W.T tanpa merasa bimbang, kecewa dan sedih bahkan menerimanya dengan perasaan yang tenang dan sabar. Dengan perkataan lain, dia redha terhadap qada' dan tunduk terhadap takdir Allah S.W.T. Inilah sifat yang harus ada pada seorang mukmin yang sebenar.


3. Tidak dinafikan bahawa kesabaran itu amatlah berat, namun terlalu besar ganjarannya jika mahu dibandingkan dengan ujian-ujian yang lain. Hal ini termasuklah kesabaran seseorang itu di atas kematian anak kecil mereka di mana pada hari akhirat kelak ia akan menjadi suatu syafaat (mudah mendapat keampunan Allah) buat mereka yang menjadi ibu bapanya.


*pada masa-masa sukar, especially when I'm really down, I read this up and find peace..*


Mama Aqeel

The memories of my Angel will always remain in my heart

This is maybe one of the ways for me to grief my baby angel.


It was Valentine’s Day. Today was my due date according to my early ultrasound and my Estimated Due Date was on 18 February 2011. Since the night before I was having mild contractions that I suspected as Braxton Higgs. But somehow deep in my heart I know that I will admit myself to the hospital the on next day.


In the morning, the contractions disappeared. I remembered that I was told to ensure my contractions to be regular and stronger before going to the hospital. So my husband and I decided to wait a bit before going to the hospital. Can everything be different if I went to the hospital much earlier?


So I relaxed at home and went to lunch with my husband. At 2 pm I have an appointment with Klinik Ibu dan Anak Malaysia Jaya. This is actually my last appointment day since I am already 39 weeks pregnant. At first I decided not to go, but at 3 o’clock I decided to get myself checked before admitting myself to the hospital. I still don’t have any strong contractions by then.


So I went to the clinic and waited for my turn until 4 o’clock. And this is when my nightmare starts..


They checked my blood pressure, the regular Q&A and lastly to check my baby’s heartbeat. At first the nurse used the manual equipment to find my baby’s heartbeat. She can’t find my baby’s heartbeat. Then she used the equipment with the battery and still confused on finding my baby’s heartbeat. And the most heartbreaking moment is when she called another nurse and the other nurse said “Baby macam tak respond pun”.


At that moment, I was already crying non-stop and the nurses asked me to rush myself to the hospital. This can’t be happening. They are all wrong. I called my husband to pick me up and rush home to get my hospital bag. Reached home, I vomited all over myself and have to take a shower. On the way to the hospital, I called up Mr. Lee, one of the PTD at Hospital Umum Sarawak to direct me to a specialist.


At the hospital, Mr. Lee, Puan Priscilla and Puan Masni together with my husband and my mum accompany me to Level 4, the Labour Room. The Medical Officers (MO) quickly checked my baby heartbeat and said they have found my baby’s heartbeat and not to worry. (but now they must mistaken my heartbeat as my baby’s heartbeat). The specialist came to double check and brings in the ultrasound machine. After a few minutes after, (I can see my baby is not moving at all), the specialist showed us our baby’s heart and said “Ini jantung baby, dan dia tak berdegup, maknanya baby dah meninggal dalam kandungan”.


I heard my husband beristighfar, and well my world is upside down. I cannot describe my condition. This is the worst thing that happened to me. What went wrong? Is it my fault? How can I not notice that my baby is having problem? What if we went to the hospital much earlier? In the morning my baby still moves actively. Why all these happening to us? However, I can have all the questions in the world by my baby, Aqeel is not here with us anymore. He is now in heaven, smiling back at his mama and papa.


Both of us cried and my husband trying his very best to keep me calm and accepting the fact. After both of us are ready, the specialist and MO explained to me the alternatives on managing the situation.

1) I can get myself induced to start labour contraction and give a normal vaginal birth. But the specialist explained that it might not work as they can only induce me with 4 pills in 2 days time. If it does not work, I might go home and rest and come back to the hospital and try again.

2) Go home and rest for couple of days (maybe 2 weeks) till normal labour pain comes and give normal vaginal birth.


OMG! My baby is already gone and they expect me to carry him in my womb for another week? I think I will go crazy if this happens. And my husband made a quick decision asking them to induce me as soon as possible. They said that they will induce me the next day and let me rest for the night. Fortunately they gave me a single room and my husband can stay there and accompany me. I cannot imagine if I am all alone facing this.


Thank God it is Malidur Rasul holiday since office people are not working. So my office staffs including the Hospital staffs can’t go visit me. I cannot face anyone at this time. I can’t even reply any calls or sms. I got myself induced at around 9 a.m. The MO checked me and said that actually I have dilated 2 cm. To cut things short, I’m having strong contractions since 7 pm. Around midnight I cannot stand the pain anymore and ask them whether they can send me to the labour ward and give me epidural or any medicine for the pain. They decided to send me down and at that time my water broke.


I asked for my husband to be with me during labour. They nearly refused me as my case is a stillbirth but I really begged them. I cannot go through this alone. Luckily at last they let me husband accompany me. My contractions are very close now and the nurse said that if I have the urge to push, just push. Maybe they don’t have any concern since my baby is already gone. When I said that I cannot stand it anymore and the doctor and nurse is ready for my labour, with my husband’s guidance, and with 2 hard and long push, my baby angel born sleeping at 12.54 a.m on 16th February 2011. To make things worst, the doctor and nurse said, “Oh sayangnya, cukup sifat baby ni”. The doctor did tell my husband that the cord is around baby angel’s neck. Oh kasehnya my baby angel. Ironically, baby angel’s birthday is the same birthday date with my youngest sister, Anum Khadijah. I will never forget his birthday as that date is the most heartbreaking day ever in my life.


My husband did not let me see my baby. He’s afraid that maybe I will be more devastated and cannot get his face off my mind and I will never recover from it. I just followed what he said. The rest is history, some stitches and I went back to my room and slept the whole night since I cannot sleep yesterday.


In the morning, the hospital staffs and my staffs visited me. I can’t talk much and just can smile a bit. My mother, my husband and my uncles are busy with the arrangements for my baby angel. I was discharged around noon. Alhamdulilah, my baby angel selamat dimandikan, dikhafankan, disolat and dikebumikan after solat Zohor on the day itself.


Thank you to family and friends who visited me, gave my words of support, called and sms me, replied my status and wrote on my wall at Facebook. I am very sorry if I did not answer your calls, but I know everyone understands.


To my baby angel, Aqeel. Mama loves you so much. You have given me and papa so much happiness for the 39 weeks and 3 days we’ve been together. Mama never thought that this will happen to us but mama redha with all the things that have happened. You are loved even before you are born. Mama can’t wait to visit you after mama habis pantang. Mama hopes that my tears will lessen soon as I know that you are happy and well taken care at where you are my darling. My heart feels so heavy right now but I hope that time will heal. Love you Abang Aqeel bin Abang Adha, my prince.



I will always be Mama Aqeel

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Mengubat Hati..

Assalammualaikum..

Mel buat keputusan untuk wujudkan blog ini untuk beberapa tujuan.

1) Untuk jadi platform meluahkan perasaan

2) Untuk kongsi pengalaman menjadi Mama of an Angel kepada sesiapa yang come accross dengan blog ini. Ini ada kerana sepanjang Mel berpantang dan melalui pengalaman kehilangan baby Aqeel yang stillbirth pada usia kandungan 39 minggu 3 hari, salah satu cara untuk tenangkan diri adalah dengan membaca pengalaman ibu bapa yang mengalami pengalaman yang sama dan membaca bagaimana mereka survive.

3) Untuk kongsi apa-apa benda yang Mel research atau baca berkenaan stillbirth dan sebagainya.

4) Untuk buat Mel busy sikit sepanjang berpantang tanpa baby Aqeel di sisi. Mel dah naik bingung sebab sekarang badan dah sihat tapi duduk berpantang tanpa buat apa-apa. Nak baca buku (since I love to read) tapi selalu tak ada mood nak membaca, tengok TV tapi rancangan Astro balik2 ulang benda yang sama, main Facebook tapi nanti orang ingat Mel ni drama queen balik-balik nak luah perasaan kat situ.


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